So many emotions, so little time to figure them all out. With so many crazy things happening in the world, affecting so many people, it almost feels wrong for me to mull over my life's decisions. I'm starting over, but without the physical wave or earthquake...it's as if that's what's going on inside me. My stomach is twisted in knots, and seemly at the most unexpected times. I wake up as if I have already had 2 shots of espresso and the after buzz headache. I get lost in thought, but have no resolution. And the ups and downs of it all are beginning to exhaust me.
I'm hoping that once I move out on my own, and we're not sharing the house where so many memories are sitting around staring back at me are, that I can just release some of this anxiety and unsettling feelings. I feel like my ex is trying to be nice, so he can see me fail and be there to watch it all unfold. I find his efforts at keeping up some sort of routine from our past to be sickening. I think he enjoys the routine without the effort. I want someone who enjoys the shared time even when it's work. I hope I find that person who can commit to life's ups and downs...and who knows that it takes two people working on themselves to make a truly healthy relationship last.
I hate when I get in these funks...I know tomorrow will be better, or at least different. I just have to keep plugging along and figure it out along the way. My personality is so driven to just fix it now, visualize the ultimate solution, plan the operation, and commence attack. But sometimes life doesn't work like that...it's more fluid, you have to let it go and find out where it's taking you. That makes me anxious! Gah! I guess I'll just go dancing again this weekend and burn off some of this pent up frustration. That'll be something to look forward to.
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